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I, like David, am a sinner in love with God. And whoa… does that loyalty have a price tag. Loyalty won’t give me a perfect life, but it will prepare me to walk through pain. The question I’m asking myself right now is: am I allowing it to? Today I learned that grief itself is evidence that I am. WOW. Today’s message was so clear to me.
The point of the story Pastor Joe read today from the Bible was that God’s covenant faithfulness is at work in His people — especially when life hurts. When life absolutely sucks, God is still keeping my life on track, just as He did with His people throughout Scripture. And to be clear: the good in my life outweighs the bad.
My obedience never precedes God’s grace. His grace always comes first. And yet, I can stray when life gets painful and then recommit when the pain gets great enough. Thank You, God, for remaining faithful even when I waver.
I am fearful of health issues and outcomes. I worry about my children’s lives. I am prideful and self-centered when I refuse rides because I can’t drive — then spend loads of money on Ubers or just stay home. I feel guilty when I watch my husband carry so much weight on his shoulders because his heart is so big. It’s embarrassing when I make a mess of myself at work because I’ve had an episode.
I was angry and sad this morning. Sad that I missed church. Then angry that we spent hours trying to locate seizure medication. Angry after a tele-doc appointment and then urgent care, only to be turned away at the pharmacy because we had already paid $250 for a prescription that’s now ten days delayed in the mail — meaning more days without medication.
And yet, through all of that suffering in just one day, all I have to lean on is faith. What a gift that actually is.
My loyalty to God does not grant me a perfect or comfortable life. I haven’t missed God’s will — I’m walking straight through the middle of it. Is it easy? No. But my suffering is not evidence that God has abandoned me. It’s evidence of loyalty.
I live with eternity written on my heart, and this world is only a pit stop. Yes, I live in suffering. We all do. That part is normal. The difference is that it’s only temporary. One day I will be by His side. And the truth is, He is already by mine. He has been the whole time — through the mess and in the message.
I need to charge my faith. Ramp it up. Lean into Him more. Pray more. Walk this path laid out before me and grab His hand. Allow people to help me. Be courageous. I’m glad to know it’s okay not to be okay. I don’t need to hide behind a mask pretending life is perfect, because it definitely isn’t — not all the time.
I may be annoying writing week after week about my epilepsy, but let’s be real: once I overcome this, there’s going to be another bumpy road I’m on and I’ll write about that too. Thank You, God, for the message. Thank You for my struggles. God bless this broken road, because it’s leading me straight to You.
And Pastor Joe… you ARE off the chain.