The Joab in Me

The Joab in me Today’s sermon made me uncomfortable. It made me look at myself. And then it made me cry.

As some of you may know I recently got divorced. I have my good days and my bad days. Today was a bad day. So I did not attend service this morning. Instead I watched when I got home from work. And afterwards I sat in quiet for what seemed like forever.

I had no problem in the beginning, when Pastor Joe asked us to think of someone’s name we would write down. And I didn’t have a problem when Pastor Joe said that what that person did to us was wrong. I had a problem as the sermon continued.

That problem is me. It’s the parts of my life I refuse to surrender. Primarily my relationships. It’s my anger, which I use as a defense mechanism. It’s my lack of self confidence and self worth. I realized, like I usually do during service, just how much of my life I am holding onto. And just how much I am holding myself back.

God never said this life would be easy. He never said it would make sense. In fact he tells us to not lean on our own understanding. And he tells us, 365 times, not to worry. So I’m ready. I’m ready to surrender the parts of my life and myself that I have never let go of before. I’m ready to not get angry or be defensive. I’m ready to let God fight my battles. I’m ready to let God guide my relationships. I’m ready to let go. And I can’t think of a better place than Gracelife, and my church family, to show me how.