Monday Morning Reflections

I always love the kids’ section with Pastor Keith at the beginning. I find myself completely honed in on them. Maybe because part of me wishes I had taught my own kids about the love of Jesus. I know its not too late.

Most of them were really listening to Pastor Keith, but of course, they’re kids, and they’re squirrely. One little boy is always ready to raise his hand and answer a question. Another boy had his eyes on our drummer Justin, drumming away in the air. And one young girl walked by the row I was in during praise and worship, singing a song completely from memory.

Those moments makes me think about my own childhood.

My parents had me baptized as a baby and took me to church every Sunday.

When I was in middle school, I stood in front of our church with my friends from the youth group, Eagles Wings, and we made a profession of our faith.

I have known God my whole life. Even in my darkest hours, I prayed to Jesus. Even when I didn't understand what was happening or where my life was going, I always knew where to turn to. And for that, I will always be grateful to my parents.

So today, I want to say this to every parent who is bringing their children to church, teaching them about Jesus, praying with them, and planting those seeds:

Don't ever stop. You may not see the fruit of those seeds right away. But plant them anyway.

Pastor Joe's Sunday Preview on socials last week:

"Will you trust God's promises even when His way of fulfilling them doesn't fit your plans and desires?" #Control #LifeOfDavid #SundaySermonPreviews

Ooof

My answer to that question last week was unfortunately... no. And I wish it was yes.

So I'll say not yet, because I'm trying. Every single day, I'm trying.

My prayers aren't even asking God for healing anymore. My prayer has been: "God, help me be faithful and trust in You. Please."

I've been praying that for a long time.

Too long. Living this life and navigating a disability without faith and trust isn't easy. And I've struggled with this. I've talked about faith and trust a lot over the past couple of years, but talking about it and actually living it are two very different things.

Today we sang Brandon Lake's, Trust in God. I can sing those words at the top of my lungs, but then I have to ask myself. Why can't I practice that faith and trust every day? 24/7?

It was comforting when Pastor Joe reminded us during his sermon that Jesus was the only one who had perfect faith and trust.

These are the things I heard today that I'm adding to my tool box:

"The promise is secure, not because we can manage it, but by the faithfulness of the King."

"Do not forget who controls tomorrow."

"We're not kingmakers, even though we talk and act like we are."

"Our responsibility is faithfulness. His responsibility is the outcome."

"The promise is secure."

"The promises are in the hands of the King."

"He is the One who controls tomorrow."

And maybe that's where I've been getting it wrong.

Not trusting God and trying to control the outcome is a painful road .

I think about Jesus praying to God before He was crucified. He knew what was coming. He didn't pretend it wouldn't hurt. He didn't pretend He wasn't afraid. But He still surrendered to the Father's will and trusted Him 100%.

Do not try to avoid the Father's will simply because it may call for suffering. And that hit me hard today.

Maybe I'm avoiding asking God for healing because, somewhere deep down, I don't trust that He can do it.

Maybe the things I've told myself and others about knowing exactly what my purpose is in all of this aren't necessarily what God has laid out for me at all.

Maybe wearing these masks of "I'm okay" and "I trust God" can become another form of control when, underneath them, I'm falling apart at home.

I don't need to have it all figured out. I just need to stop trying to micromanage every process, every outcome, every tomorrow, and lay it all down at the feet of the King.

Because the truth is: I don't know what tomorrow brings. I don't know how this story ends. I don't know what God's plan for my life looks like. And it's not my plan to make. His plan is His plan, not mine.

So instead of continuing to beg God to give me faith and trust, maybe my prayer needs to change. Maybe it's simply:

"God, I trust You. I'm faithful to You. I lay everything down at Your feet. Guide me to live in Your will, not mine. I trust You. I need You. I want You to reign over my life. I love You. Amen."

I'm still learning.

I'm still struggling.

I'm still going to have days where I don't trust as much as I want to.

But "not yet" is different from never . And today, I'm choosing not yet. Because I'm still trying. And I'm putting tomorrow back where it belongs.

In the hands of the King.